


Five times Warlock wasn't happy about being kidnapped and one time he was

by IxiLecter



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: BAMF Aziraphale (Good Omens), BAMF Crowley (Good Omens), Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, No beta we fall like Crowley, Warlock gets kidnapped a lot, fortunately he has a guardian angel and a guardian demon, there are apple pies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:01:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21514942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IxiLecter/pseuds/IxiLecter
Summary: Warlock Dowling gets kidnapped a lot. Fortunately his Nanny and his Brother Francis are pretty BAMF so he is not that bothered.What happens when he gets kidnapped and they are no longer around?
Comments: 76
Kudos: 1263
Collections: Courts GO Re-Reads, Ixnael’s SFW corner, Most Favs





	Five times Warlock wasn't happy about being kidnapped and one time he was

**Author's Note:**

> _Update 10.07.2020_ : Now also translated to [Russian](https://ficbook.net/readfic/9644672)!

**One**

Warlock was not a happy baby. 

Not even a year old tyke did his best to pee on the man who tried to change his nappy. He didn’t know this man but he didn’t like him. At all.

The man was the first thing Warlock saw after waking up. 

The man didn’t give him his favourite snack (mashed apples and carrots).

The man didn’t give him his favourite plushie (a black snake with red belly that one day just appeared in Warlock’s crib).

And the man smelled funny.

Yep, the man got peed on.

Warlock would probably get much more creative in his displeasure if the swearing man didn’t suddenly freeze as if time had stopped for him and Warlock heard some voices approaching.

“There he is, angel.”

“Oh, thank Lord! I was becoming quite worried.”

“Shall I take the kidnapper straight to Hell?”

“Let’s just leave him for the police that will miraculously stumble upon this location, my dear.”

Warlock heard a sigh and then his eyelids started to become really heavy. Hopefully after he wakes up, his plushie will be with him again.

(It was.)

  
  


**Two**

Five year old Warlock Dowling was quite scared. When he got into the car that picked him up from school he quickly realized that it was not their driver inside and it was not their car, only a very similar one, but it was too late. The car locked and the man sitting on the back seat said to him that if he screams or makes a scene, he will regret it.

Warlock decided not to risk it. After all, he knew that there are two types of people: those who don’t keep their promises (for example Warlock’s father) and those who do (for example Warlock’s Nanny). This man looked quite threatening (though not as much as Nanny) and _could_ be of the second type.

Warlock wished Nanny was here. Nanny was awesome, and more threatening than this man, and would surely chewed him out similarly as she did Warlock’s teacher who was mean to him, and he felt safe with Nanny and…

Warlock sniffed.

He supposed Brother Francis would do too. He was much more softer than Nanny, but Warlock once saw him glaring at one of their maids who accidentally dropped a book into a fountain. It was not a pretty glare. And Warlock always felt safe with brother Francis too.

The car suddenly stopped.

In the middle of the road.

“What are you doing?!” growled the threatening man to the driver.

“It just stopped, man! Nothing works!”

The _locked_ door at Warlock’s side bucked. Then bucked again. And then if the lock yielded to an incredible force the door gave up and opened (was thrown away more like).

There stood Nanny with a furious face.

Yup, Nanny was _much_ more threatening that the man (who was in so much trouble!). 

“Nanny!” yelled Warlock and flew into her embrace.

Now his back was turned to the not-so-threatening man but could hear the man growling, “Now, listen here-” a sound as if a gun was being pulled from somewhere, one Nanny’s arm stopping hugging him and making a gesture, and, “AAAAAAAHHH!!! SNAKEEEE! SNAKEEEEE!!!!”

“Let’s go home, Warlock,” said Nanny.

They went home.

And later had apple pie with Brother Francis (Nanny liked apples and Brother Francis liked pies).

  
  


**Three**

_This_ , thought the nine-year-old Warlock. This is what going to a posh school has done for him. Got him kidnapped.

And the worst thing was that he wasn’t even kidnapped for himself! Nooo! He was kidnapped because one of his classmates was son of a Earl or something. But the kidnappers couldn’t just take the little Earl from their school trip, nooo, they had to get all eight of them! And also their teacher, Mr. Unkling (why would _anybody_ want Mr. Unkling was a mystery to Warlock!).

Warlock was bored. The kidnappers locked them in a big warehouse with heavy doors and barred windows and took their phones. Like, really?! 

Oh no, Mr. Unkling wanted them to make a circle and hold hands. The horror.

Warlock went aside and made a little nest behind one of the boxes. He pulled out his math homework and got to work.

He liked math. It made sense to him (unlike maaaaany other subjects). It was a great mystery to him how he could be good at math since both his parents were horrendous in it. 

Well, at least he had Brother Francis! Brother Francis was very good at math, always helping Warlock with it and teaching him stuff that made Warlock’s teacher quite upset with him and calling him too advanced (Warlock didn’t know why, shouldn’t the teacher want him to be good at math?!).

Warlock absentmindedly solved the equation when a voice behind him said, “Read the instructions again, young master Warlock.”

Warlock whipped his head.

“Brother Francis!”

When he was hugging him, suddenly everything went black.

Later he was told the police saved them and his tale about Brother Francis was not believed - police looked into that to find out if he was not part of the kidnappers’ ring, but the man was quickly found innocent and the whole thing was determined as Warlock’s fantasy (adults!).

When Warlock asked Brother Francis if he was in the warehouse the gardener went quite pink, “Uh… well.. how could I have…? I am just a gardener, really, not any… wile... thwarter. Uhm… how about we make an apple pie?”

When Nanny was putting him to bed Warlock asked her the same question (Nanny usually told him the truth, she was awesome like that). Nanny took a while before answering, “I think, that if he _was_ there, he could not admit it.”

Yep, awesome.

  
  


**Four**

_Oh not again!_ the ten-year-old thought Warlock as his kidnapper tied him to a chair.

“Stop squirming, boy.”

“Stop smelling so horrible then, it’s awful.”

“You’re brave now, huh? You think anybody noticed you’re missing? That rich parents of yours? And that they care you’re gone?”

“They probably didn’t. But my Nanny and my Brother Francis did and they are going to save me. And then we will have apple pie.”

“You have a brother?”

“You have some hidden brain cells somewhere that you could activate?”

The man stood abruptly and for a moment Warlock feared he went too far. But really, Nanny kept telling him that he shall end up ruling the world and why should the future ruler of the world be scared of some stupid thug? (Actually, Warlock decided he didn’t want to rule the world because he liked math and physics and wanted to be a famous physicist but he didn’t have the heart to tell Nanny yet.)

“Perhaps I should teach you a less-” there was a loud noise, “WHAT THE HELL?!”

A calm voice said, “Hell _and Heaven_ actually.”

Warlock smiled. He was quite looking forward to the apple pie.

  
  


**Five**

Warlock was faking being unconscious. This time it seemed quite bad. Usually - and it was quite messed up that he could say _usually -_ the kidnappers seemed to want money, not to _hurt_ him. 

These ones seemed to want to send some kind of message to his father _by_ hurting Warlock. They kept talking about the gory stuff they will do to him which made him a little bit ill (and he grew up listening to Nanny’s gruesome bedtime stories, so that was saying something.)

They didn’t want to start until he was awake, so, yes, being unconscious. 

Suddenly, all their voices stopped and - to his great relief - he heard one of the voices he loved.

“This is starting to get too frequent, angel! And look at these instruments, this wasn’t for money, you know!”

Warlock continued his faking because he loved listening to Nanny and Brother Francis when they didn’t know he could hear them. Nanny used to call Brother Francis ‘angel’ or ‘Aziraphale’ and he called her ‘my dear’ or ‘Crowley’ (‘Aziraphale’ and ‘Crowley’’? - what peculiar pet names) and they were bantering and it was always very nice and funny.

“Unfortunately, yes. Where did you sent them?”

“Nobody will find them ever again. We need to send a message, you know, so this wouldn’t happen again.”

“Are they… are they...”

“They are stranded on a remote island. If they try enough they will procure food there.”

“Oh, that is alright then.”

A gentle hand touched Warlock’s shoulder, “Warlock?”

“‘anny?” mumbled Warlock sleepily (island, what?).

“That’s right, dear. We came for you,” smiled Nanny at him softly.

“You always do,” smiled Warlock as well.

“Young master Warlock, I want you to listen to me and remember what I tell you. It is very, _very_ important,” said Brother Francis.

Warlock nodded solemnly.

“We may not always find out quickly enough that you are in trouble. Hopefully, this won’t happen again, but if it does, I want you to put your hands together like this, close your eyes and, well, _pray_ to ‘Aziraphale’ _._ Think _very hard_ about sending your thoughts to ‘Aziraphale’. Such thoughts usually get through only when truly urgent so you have to really mean it.”

Nanny’s lips were thin as if she was quite upset, but then she sighed, “And if that doesn’t work, pray to ‘Crowley’.”

Oh perhaps those were not pet names after all, just… secret names.

“My dear?”

“Satanists pray too, you know. We hear those.”

“Oh, of course.”

“Will you remember that, my dear boy?”

“If kidnapped again pray to Aziraphale or pray to Crowley,” said Warlock dutifully. “Can we have apple pie, now?”

They had several.

  
  


**+1**

A sixteen-year-old Warlock tried the ropes. So tight, dammit! Who were these clowns who kidnapped him anyway? It’s been at least six years since the last incident happened and the word got around that his kidnappers had never been found.

“Well, well, well, who do we have we here,” said the masked man.

_Oh no, he is getting into a villain monologue_.

“I have to stop you right here,” said Warlock. “My father and I do _not_ get along. After I crushed his dreams of me following in his footsteps and went to a science high school we don’t really speak with each other, I more often stay with friends than at home. He probably won’t pay any money for me and blame it on ‘no negotiating with terrorists’ policy. If you want to hurt him by hurting me, you won’t succeed. And if-”

SLAP. “I didn’t ask you anything,” hissed the man and Warlock felt that the man’s ring cut him across his cheek.

Well, that was new. This was the first time he got hurt in one of these kidnappings actually. And if he survives this one it probably won’t be the last time since both Nanny and Brother Francis disappeared on the day of his eleventh birthday and-

Huh.

Now, there’s an idea.

Well, it was ridiculous of course. 

That praying would help, and-

SLAP. “Are you listening to me?!”

Oh, the arsehole had probably been saying something. 

Warlock closed his eyes and tried to send his thoughts to Aziraphale _and_ Crowley.

_Aziraphale? Crowley? Nanny? Brother Francis? Uhm, Warlock here. You said that if… you said that if I ever got kidnapped again I could, uhm, call? I am not sure if this works and if you even care because you disappeared and didn’t even sent a letter - not cool, guys! - and I tried to find you and I couldn’t, and now I’m kidnapped again and I don’t even know if anyone’s looking for me and-_

A hand grabbed painfully his hair, “You little-”

“ **GET AWAY FROM MY CHILD**!”

Nanny! Warlock’s eyes flew open. Huh. Nanny was a man now apparently, but it was still Nanny. Still had the dark glasses and red hair and again had I-will-eat-you-you-fucking-kidnapper face.

Just a second after Nanny a new figure appeared holding an umbrella on fire as if it was a sword. Was that… yes, that was Brother Francis. Huh. Apparently he had a makeover as well.

Nanny snapped her (his?) fingers and muttered, “On the island with him.”

Brother Francis now snapped his fingers and Warlocks bonds were suddenly gone, his cheek stop hurting and the umbrella stopped being on fire (weirdly the fire didn’t seem to do any damage to it)

He was going to yell at them! So much! He will get to that as soon as he stops hugging them. 

Someday in the next year probably then.

“Warlock...”

“I think… I think I would like to get an explanation,” said Warlock. “And apple pie.”

“Aww, look at our little boy, Aziraphale, he still likes apple pies.”

“Nannyyyyyyy!”

Warlock got his explanation (and the apple pie).

Since then he also invaded Aziraphale’s bookshop or Crowley’s flat for a night whenever he didn’t feel like going home. 

When he did that he usually brought apples and flour.

**Author's Note:**

> fuckyeahgoodomens.tumblr.com :)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Some things are worth believing in (Including you)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21517255) by [Phoenix_of_Athena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_of_Athena/pseuds/Phoenix_of_Athena)




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